Can extract sunshine from a cloudy day!

Join the great company of those who make the barren places of life fruitful with kindness. Carry a vision of heaven in your hearts, and you shall make your name,your college, the world, correspond to that vision. Your success and happiness lie within you. External conditions are the accidents of life, its outer wrappings. The great, enduring realities are love and service. Joy is the holy fire that keeps our purpose warm and our intelligence aglow. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulty. ~ Helen Keller
L❀VE ♥´¯`•.¸¸.• ♥ •´¯`•.¸¸.♥Fiat Lux ♥´¯`•.¸¸.• ♥L❀VE ♥´¯`•.¸¸.• ♥ •´¯`•.¸¸.♥Fiat Lux ♥´¯`•.¸¸.• ♥

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

This Mindful Moment smack' in the Middle of 40's!

Maybe it's the scalding hot peppermint tea, maybe it's the yellow decongestant, but thank God, I can breath again, somewhat. Suffering from allergies that's me right now; my chest feels constricted, my eyes blurred, head a block of  achy' - my back a plyboard stiff solid discomfort , ears clogged partly, and then there's my nose too..the right disobliging nostril. There are days when I literally feel that parts of me are on finicky' strike, refusing to reason with my mind, huffy belligerent as an errant pugnacious adolescent. Hah, which happens to be exactly what I'm done with - adolescents - teenagers, to be exact! 

 My 22.4 year old youngest enrolled in college, for what would be his last semester! Might I say,  this is a yelpy' "hurrah" moment for me, though in turn there's also that mommy horror rub-a- dub' fear of an absurd grim chance he would flunk a subject -  a cuckoo possibility far remote as Timbuktu' because his grades have been historically above par since shifting to Media Studies from Accounting, whew! Plus, my loves know what a classic hissy fit La Diva' Mama is capable of when her sensitivities are trifled with, hehehehe! :D 

So there, with my eldest just graduated and the youngest on his way, I patiently endure my soggy' flared sinuses, smile and  bow in exhaled gratefulness for the lot I have in this mindful, change charged moment smack in the middle of a 40's mid-life! 

Do I worry? Yes! Do I worry? Yes! Do I worry? Yes! I am the granted "Queen of Worrydom" currently, as I grind my mind (yes, I can) trying to divine a perfect future for the boys; a future where no unsound choices are made, no calculating jerks are met. If this mother may, for them I vouchsafe simply exact smooth transitions from one level of professional success to another, leveling up to unmitigated bliss of sound familial glory, until (finally) crowned philanthropic brilliance. Suave.

Survival.  Success. Significance. BUT, without the caustic arduous messy struggling stumbling crusty pain filled parts. Cosmeticized photoshopped existence (?) Quite subhuman, really. How imprudent of me to think it.  

If I could only live their lives for them, side-stepping wrong decisions, plucking ripe worthy aspirations to grant at the end of it all, the fullness of their life's true meaning..then I would. Because, right now when I gaze at them young at the cusp of beginnings, I live my life in sentimental  retrospect pin-pointing exactly my gains, salutes, strengths, victories, as well, as the thudding faults, groping blunders and downright errors I had to grapple with. Like the "Oracle" in the "Matrix" I want them to be the "One". I want to reveal the "path". What a foolhardy' fallacious aspiration, for there isn't any super power for me to give or grant. They have to make for themselves what they are and walk what road they choose to pave. Very much the way it was and is for me. 

Awhile ago, one of them asked what my "goal" in life is.  He followed it by saying his goal is to be able to help the "less fortunate"....  
My goal is what it has always been since I've decided to be a mother. To be as a   significant lighthouse...inviolable...weatherbeaten perhaps, but ever reliant in sunshine, enduring in storms, imperishable in tremor and gracefully standing in calm. I may pursue varied "interests" - but they are not goals. I only have one life on this plane. I am Lady life purpose is iconic... I am an encompassing beam and a  forever light ( my children)  that's yours. 
I'll be watching you.